By the numbers

Time of event: 5.20am

Number of wails that shattered the slumber of the household: Just 1, but that was enough.

Number of parents who went to see what was up: 1

Number of parents who wisely stayed out of it: The other 1

Number of toddlers who insisted on being brought along: 1

Weight of said toddler when carried by zombie-like parent at 5.20am: Approx 150lbs

Number of nostrils that were not working, according to upset preschooler: 1

Number of nostrils that were, therefore, working just fine: 1

Degree to which the whole thing annoyed me: The nth

Hours of remaining sleep I was afraid I had been done out of: 2

Chances of getting the also-congested toddler back to sleep: Slim

Chances of preschooler going back to sleep: None

Likelihood of my being the parent who got up with the preschooler: Big fat zero

Hours of sleep I in fact did subsequently get: About 1

Net gain: Vicks Baby Vapo-Rub, in which I should have bought shares